Thursday, December 15, 2011

Back again

With some help from my sister I'm currently sitting on my mothers couch, having a cup of tea and writing this. It's snowy here up north but really mild weather! I was very thankful for that last night when i had to walk home after a night of whiskey and talk with my two dear friends Marina and Robin. I hadn't told them I was coming yesterday, I just gave them a maybe tuesday, maybe wednesday or even thursday. I hope they thought it was a pleasant surprise when i knocked on their window waving a bottle of whiskey in my hand.

I have a lot of thinking going on right now, about the future and what I really want to do with my life and how I can make it happen. My current life situation makes me a bit depressed so.

I spoke with Amelie today, we had a talk about what the hell to do about this whole situation with media screwing us over. We really can't afford a lawyer right now so taking this thing to court is out of the question. However, since Amelie is a bright young female we have some other ideas on how we might get compensated. Maybe not financially but we will hopefully feel we did all we could to get this shit sorted out. Let people hear our story, even if we work in a business when people get used and screwed (hehe) it doesn't mean that it is okay to do that. In the interview in the tv show Amelie talks about how she wants to make fair trade porn and being able to pay her actors and actresses good and not screw them over. How can they air that show if they are doing the exact opposite of what she talks about? The both of us have gone through hell with all the feelings from this incident. They should have 1. Only used that material with her permission 2. Fucking pay her for using it even if they didn't had her permission. Gosh. Things will work out. When I get home, she and I will meet to talk about future projects.
In the end, we will have made a difference.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Still poor but not as much

Sorry about my lack of updates, but I'm boring as usual right now!

Thanks to my loving family I now have some money so I won't starve to death! And it seems like I'll be able to come home for christmas. Gonna travel next week I think, was planning to do it tomorrow but sometimes it's better to wait a couple of extra days so I can start looking forward to it.

I'm kind of nostalgic at the moment, but not in a good way. For exactly two years ago I had the worst breakup of my life. But shouldn't I be over it by now? It's been two years dammit! It just feels weird to still be affected by it. And I get some really strange flashbacks. I can remember him clearer than ever, fuck, this is stupid.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Have been a bit stressed these past days, me and my boyfriend are kinda broke this month. We currently have about 100 SEK to live on until he gets his next salary. I am trying to stay positive and we are kind of used to being poor. So my diet consists of what we have at home, mostly sandwiches haha. The saddest part is that I might not be able to go come home to my family and friends for christmas, I looked forward to that so much!
Somehow, things always work out in the end, and money have a strange way to find their way into my bank account anyway. So I'm keeping my hopes up!

I belive everything happens for a reason. When I'm low on cash I can usually call my dad and he'll give me a couple of hundreds so I'll live but I haven't talked to him since the tv-show. Maybe this is a sign that I should maybe answers his calls now? He have called me three times now but I've been a coward and not dared to answer. I still really don't know what exactly to say to him, he will never be able to see this the way I see it.
When all my noodles and sandwiches have run out and I have nothing more to eat, maybe my pride will succumb to my hunger and I'll be able to face my fear.

Some positive things about being poor: You start to enjoy all the small things. The best part of the day was when I ate an orange. It have never tasted so sweet as it did today.
You try harder to make your life work. I'm looking for people to help me with my site and I'm gonna apply for a job. Maybe that won't give me money this month, but it will prevent this from happening again.
Somehow, I appreciate my boyfriend more. Even though his lack of working got us into this situation I still feel safe when we cuddle at night and when we're making dinner out of nothing. Maybe you can really survive on only love after all?